It's the holiday season. Joy to the World! A season of hope, anticipation for the new year and all the things to come. No matter what holidays you celebrate- or don't - this is the season of hope and joy. Looking at the year that has passed, and what you hope for the year to come. Family and friends come together to celebrate life.
I'm so thankful for many things, for my family, for friends who have stuck by me, for a comfortable bed, for decaf lattes and chocolate, for hugs and love. I'm so thankful for ya roohi, my love. This time of year used to be my favorite, as a kid a time to decorate the house, sing songs of Christ's birth, to go driving to see the lights, and as an adult a time to go to Colorado and spend time with family.
Now I feel deep sorrow, because of loss of loved ones that used to make this time so warm for me, but also because of the loss of what life used to be. I feel sorrow for how my body betrays me and it's hard to find joy in the midst of pain. I never know what a day is going to bring. How much time of the day I will be functional and how much will be managing symptoms and resting. It's hard to feel joy when you spend weeks being sick and even longer to get to a point where you can go beyond just getting out of bed to use the toilet.
I feel so much anger that each day I have to weigh out what I think I am capable of doing on that day. Anger at being afraid to shower, because presyncope hits and I fear passing out. I feel bad about feeling bad- being the potential buzz-kill because I have to cancel, to the point where I'm no longer invited to do things. I feel bad about not being able to play games, or even eat all meals with my family. I feel bad for the anger and sorrow I feel during a season of joy. It's like, get over it Anna!
I struggle with acknowledging my pain, anger and sorrow, while not giving up on hope. Learning to enjoy the light and joy of the season and within others without letting my darkness snuff it out. Isn't that the point of the season though? To let the light shine in the darkness. To recognize the darkness, the pain, the suffering, the sorrow and hold some light, some warmth, some hope in the midst of it?
It's ok to feel sorrow in this season... and allow the light to shine.
If you are experiencing deep pain, depression and/or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Call 988 to talk with someone, 911 to get immediate assistance, reach out to friends and family, get connected with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Pain is unfortunately a part of life, but you don't need to go through it alone. There is light in the dark. Feel free to reach out to me if you need a friend.
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