My name is Anna Fischer. I was a teacher for 12 years. The past three and half years (as of December 2022) have been spent trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me - other than I'm obese and need to lose weight (what I've heard all my life from doctors and many, well-intentioned others).
I am fully aware - more so than most - that my weight plays a role in my health. I tried working out, doing various fun runs, different diets, different diet programs, medications, and I even had a personal trainer. Unfortunately, none of those things worked well for me.
CHRONICles: 2/2109 - Present day 2021
The following may contain information that may be considered TMI and uncomfortable. It is my reality and this is a space for me to share all that I've been going through.
In February of 2019, I wasn't feeling well. I went to a new doctor. She looked me over and put me on an antibiotic and I discussed with her how I was really wanting to lose weight and get healthy,
but it has been a STRUGGLE all my life. She was really kind and was going to help - we made a plan - a month after I finished the antibiotic, I was going to begin this new plan, start a specific medication that was supposed to help - and had been successful for a friend who also had a condition that I had - PCOS.
When it came time to start the med, I began feeling sick again. I pushed through it, but it got worse - to the point I almost passed out standing on a platform in the middle of rows of people listening to a preacher talk about Jesus. I became super light-headed/dizzy, nauseous, elevated heart rate and insanely sweaty-that cold/clammy, pouring out of your glands and covering every square inch of you like you’re drowning, sweaty. When I started losing my vision/balance, I knew I had to drop the camera before I dropped off the platform.
I refused an ambulance ride to a hospital, because I was not about to go to an ER and be told there was nothing wrong with me, like so many doctor’s visits before. I figured maybe it was the new medication, and I still wasn’t feeling well… so I just needed to rest. After drinking some water, resting for 40 minutes and nibbling on a Benita bar, I regained my awareness, everything had calmed down, but I was insanely tired. I was able to drive myself home and stayed in bed until I could get in with my doctor.
My doctor ran a gamut of tests, and there didn't seem to be something she could point to that said, "This is what you have, let's take this course of action". She asked me when I had the Epstein Barr Virus, because while I didn’t actively have it, there were trace amounts showing I had it in the past. I didn’t know what that was, and she said most people associate it with mono. I reached out to my ex-boyfriend and my family regarding them having it at any point to see when I may have had it. No one recalled any time when they or I would have had it so I let it go since I had been sick a lot in my life.
I have been referred to multiple specialists to figure out what is going on - below may be "Too Much Information" for some.
The GI specialist performed a colonoscopy and EGD regarding lower abdominal pain that would come and go as well as my severe nausea. I had a couple small pockets of diverticulosis but they were not infected, told to take daily fiber supplements. Years prior I had been diagnosed with silent acid reflux by an ENT and been taking omeprazole daily to try to help with that and my chronic sore throats, the EGD only confirmed a GERD and to continue acid reduction. I was switched to ranitidine then to famotidine and take omeprazole only when needed in the morning.
Due to multiple apparent UTIs, I was sent to a urologist and OBGYN. OBGYN said that issues did not seem to be related to PCOS (IUD I had for the past few years seemed to be doing the job I needed) or any other reproductive issues. At the Urologist, I was told that I did not actually have a bacterial infection and more than likely had Interstitial Cystitis. I went on a 2 month strict IC diet (literally only stayed within the realm of the IC-bladder friendly list and did not dip into the Try It let alone the Avoid column). I was still miserable - if not worse in some capacities at my follow up, so the morning after my follow up I had a Cystoscopic-Hydrodistention. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I was just told it was used as both a diagnostic and a treatment. Never. Again. Woke up in insane pain - scream/sobbing. My blood pressure was too low to give me morphine or dilaudid so I writhed for over thirty minutes trying to calm my pain and the idea that the doctor had abused me. The doctor told my sister that it showed some inflammation and to come back and have the procedure again when needed in 6 months - 3 years. I have never, and will never, go back. Three days of feeling like razor blades were slicing me as I urinated, then weeks of continued pain.
The Urology Nurse Practitioner that I saw, said that IC and fibromyalgia tend to go hand in hand and fibro may be the source of some of my other health/pain issues. I was also prescribed amitriptyline for my IC since nothing else seemed to be working. I took the amitriptyline and then peridium as needed for a flare up.
I saw a rheumatologist on December 30, 2019. I was given a steroid injection for my present pain that seemed to affect my joints and muscles. I also had extreme lower back pain that flared up when I was unable to be active for long periods of time (in previous years I had a degenerative disc that herniated). I recognize that it was due to the fact that I do not have a strong core or strong back muscles, however working out always caused me to become more exhausted and sick, it is an infuriatingly frustrating cycle.
The rheumatologist said there were abnormalities in my blood work, including high inflammatory markers, but not high enough for a full body CT scan. She said she thought I had fibro, and referred me to a pain specialist. She also referred me to a dermatologist to double check that I did not have skin lupus.
Dermatologist spent 1 minute with me, looking at pictures I had taken, I explained in the past that I was told I had nose herpes, but the treatment didn’t seem to work on these little bumps. He told me I had rosacea, gave me an ointment and sent me on my way. The ointment made my face feel like it was on fire so I stopped using it.
The Pain Management Specialist poked me in a few places - said that kind of sensitive response is not normal and that I have fibromyalgia. He prescribed Move Plus physical therapy and a Lumbar Epidural Steroid injection three months out. I couldn't receive the injection immediately since I had received a steroid injection a couple weeks prior at the rheumatologist, I had to wait.
The education that went along with Move Plus helped explain that with fibro, my nervous system was on high alert and I needed to manage stress and work out more. I did a lot of stretching and strengthening with PT, however I would also crash and feel miserable a day or two later. The cycle of getting sick and exhausted, trying to push through, ending up with migraines and nausea. There were times I had to leave PT because I couldn’t physically do anything without becoming sick. On the good days, I worked hard, on the bad days I showed up and tried - causing me to get worse at times. In the midst of this a global pandemic hit. My PT was paused - I had a 30 min core/stretching video that I could do at home - until they were able to start the in person program again. Some days I did it, some days I didn’t. Some days were good… followed by rough days. The LESI was pushed back as well due to the pandemic.
Eventually I got both the Lumbar Epidural Steroid Injection and started physical therapy in person again. The combination was winning -- on top of the fact that I was teaching from home so I could stay in bed when I did not need to be on camera. By June, I was feeling overall pretty decent. It did not last though. Summer months were great because I could rest when I needed, and when I was feeling good, get some work done. When I over-exerted myself, the next day(s) were terrible… exhaustion, severe nausea and dizziness/lightheadedness when trying to stand/work.
Fall of 2020 I went back to work in the classroom because I needed the social component. I was extremely cautious with Covid and my students were understanding. I began struggling again with the same symptoms. I had a sleep study done, and learned I had mild sleep hypopnea/apnea, but that I also had frequent PVCs.
I was referred to a cardiologist. I learned I had a weakened heart muscle due to PVCs, Premature Ventricular Contractions, and was put on a very low dose of heart meds to help with it. Things kept getting worse, I even passed out in the ER waiting room.
Nothing the doctors seem to be doing has helped.
At the beginning of April I had lost all hope. Seeing that I am 35 and everyone says your health just goes "downhill" from here… what is the point of going on if it is just going to be worse? I was severely depressed and contemplating my existence.
Instead of acting on any thoughts I went to the ER to try to manage pain. Since I honestly answered their questions, I ended up in a psych ward.
My back pain/overall pain was out of control even there. Psychiatrist increased my Cymbalta to a level that he said was supposed to be good for fibro. After a few days of trying to work on my inner self as well… I was able to find peace with God in the midst of the chaos.
I went home/back to work part time, but was still having EXTREME exhaustion and fatigue. I was put on Adderall and later mythelfolate 5-MTHF w B12 then Armadafonil. Things worked for a moment but would increase symptoms elsewhere.
I started a new job as an administrative assistant so that my schedule was more flexible. I had some really great days/weeks, but I would get exhausted and nauseated at times. Meds would be increased, meds were added. I seemed to be hitting wall after wall.
In September, I realized I was struggling to maintain information and started brief documentation.
9/15 IUD replaced and given dose 1 of gardasil vaccine.
9/16 went to work and had to leave due to dizziness/nausea/intense sweat and unable to stand or sit upright.
9/20 ER visit with shortness of breath, plus dizziness, chest pain, was told nothing was wrong - all blood work is normal and there was no damage to my heart follow up with pcp and obgyn
9/20 Cardiology called to say I had 4,700+ PVCs in a 24 hr period
9/21 obgyn and Dr. McCormick because my PCP was out that week.
9/22 worked a couple hours at work then went home
9/23 worked when I could. Steroid helped a bit in the beginning.
9/27 starting to feel worse again
9/29 pcp visit: referral to MAYO
I had to apply for FMLA due to the inability to function.
I tried going into work for a couple hours and then go home to rest then do another couple of hours.
10/3 ER visit with intense abdominal pain and back pain.
Sent home after ruling out kidney stone, diagnosed with pancreatitis and told to go on a liquid diet for 3 days.
Overnight... things got worse.
10/4 Called PCP at 8 am and nurse said to go back to ER
9:00ish AM: Returned to ER, hours later admitted still writhing in pain, pain meds didn't work.
6:00 pm MRI was atrocious
Overnight was rough- poor nursing staff
EGD Scheduled for 930... happened at 12:30. EGD gave me sleep but woke up in instant agony being told there is nothing wrong. Some bile in my stomach, but no ulcer.
In pain for hours, still being loaded up with pain meds kept telling them they aren't working. Finally asked about muscle relaxant. They gave me that and something to coat my stomach. Those two things helped the best over all…
But relief faded before I was allowed another dose.
Pain meds caused constipation ... I was in another hell.
Nurse told me it was just anxiety. No, I am literally about to pass out every time I sit on the toilet. I would love to stay seated there but I get so light headed/dizzy/nauseous I have to crawl into bed and lay down.
Eventually with a fan to help me make it past the passing out phase on the toilet, I was able to have a BM. I blacked out for a moment- as in my vision went completely black- and idk what happened. It didn't seem for long.
Immediately when I was able to stand, I wanted to leave because I didn't know how long it would be in between bms. At this point I could travel. I was given something to put on my seat in case there was some sort of incident ( there wasn't) . But how humbling to need that.
There are some moments where the pain is so intense I truly don't believe I can't make it through that moment.
All of my senses are heightened, so it's not just like ooh I have a stomach ache… it is like everything within me feels on fire or hurts. It goes beyond that one point of stabbing pain to all over your body… and brings in the other senses as well… light is excruciating, noise is amplified beyond belief, smell… everything makes you nauseous.. a touch is too much- at home with a flare up I only have a soft blanket covering the parts that are ok to cover.
What some don't understand is I see how people see me. People don't take you seriously when you are screaming and crying in pain. Literally crying out "oh God help me" over and over again is how I made it through some moments. Yet most tests show there is nothing wrong with you.
I wish I could link my senses to others so they could truly feel what I feel at the same level/capacity I feel it. Not to cause them pain, but to open their eyes/understanding.
It is currently 10 am on 10/8. I have not had a bowel movement since the explosive one at the hospital over 20 hours ago. I have not eaten much, my back where my ribcage is on my right side still hurts. My stomach is still in pain. Doctors told me I could go ahead and eat a heart healthy diet… but I'm struggling to even finish an apple. I'm exhausted. I'm in pain. And I'm so frustrated. I know how it looks to doctors, who only specialize in one thing and nothing lines up. I'm so tired of seeing them... hearing them whisper beyond the curtain or behind the door. The nurses and techs wishing there was more they could do for me. When I tell them I don't want more pain pills, I just want to be put to sleep, knock me out… at least then I don't feel pain.
I wake up almost every hour of the night needing to adjust. I can't keep doing this. It is so hard. I can't keep telling people "I'm sick or not feeling well" and having doctors not back it up with solid evidence.
Final Thoughts
I'm an educated woman. I understand how the body works to a certain degree. I understand the function of parts. I have tried to find the connection/relationship between health issues.
I've noticed I get a SEVERE flare up or episode any time I get a vaccine. I am NOT an anti-vaxxer. I see the importance/necessity of herd immunity. In the past I always joked that the flu shots gave me the flu the years I got them. (I know they don't give you the flu…) I have learned that there are diseases out there that are not recognized by the medical community and are not taught to them. Every time I speak with a doctor I try to tell them everything. They want to know the main thing. What one thing am I here for? WHAT? Why does it have to be one thing?? If it doesn't relate to your speciality, why do you dismiss it?
I have spent the majority of the past year struggling with wanting to be alive. Feeling like a prisoner in my own body. Trying to listen to what doctors, specialists, therapists, religious leaders, family, friends say I could do or try to get better. If I do this, that and the other… I would be healthy, happy. However, I found when I listened, I wound up in misery and hating myself, listening to and believing the negative things people/society said about me and my obesity, my health. I am fat. I am lazy. I am a big baby. I need to suck it up. Then, appearing to have failed over and over... and over again… I am unworthy of people’s time or energy. Even when I was younger, I got sick frequently - multiple sore throats a year, colds, flus, allergic to the cold, getting nauseous/light headed around certain smells/substances and would take longer to recover from things than most people, when I got hurt my body would go into shock, frequent UTIs, and when I got my first period - all hell broke loose- INSANE lower abdominal pain, out of control menstruation and very irregular periods. I was miserable the majority of the time. I was told that I was overreacting, overly sensitive, and even by some, a hypochondriac because I NEVER had a fever, and rarely tested . My mom joked that all of my pain tolerance was given to my younger sister, because she frequently would not notice/feel pain when something was wrong.
I could see how many other people - both individuals and specific groups - appeared to have it worse than me, so I have never felt like my pain, my story, my life was worthy of being heard. I have spent the past 20 years trying to help others - mostly children - feel loved, valued, worthy, appreciated. To let them know I see them, I hear them and regardless of what others may speak over them - the truth is they are kings and queens worthy of other’s time and attention.
I am been advocating for myself because just following the directions of one specialist after another wasn't helping. I am beginning to see that I too am worthy of other people's time and energy... and that doctors do not know it all. That I am the one that knows what is going on in my body and if they dismiss me, then I should dismiss them. I'm ready to step into a new season, aware that I am limited right now, and that's ok. I am beautiful, fun, creative, intelligent and worthy.
Comments